Lost Letter from Esme

We recently discovered a ‘Lost Letter from Esme’ - please enjoy!

Dear Uncles Glen and Santo

 A big hello from your former charge, Esme! It's been a few weeks since I last wrote, but it hasn't been due to any sort of 'out of sight, out of mind' situation. Rather, my life here has been busy, busy, busy! I've barely had a moment to myself in ages, but have managed to steal away from my hapless serfs to pen this overdue letter.

 Where to start? I have had so many new experiences, some good some not, have learned a range of new skills, have fallen in and out of love several times, have lost a few teeth, had a significant growth spurt, am almost fully house trained, and have formed very strong views about my two servants. That's alot to happen to a little dog in 4 short weeks!

 Let's start with the intellectually inferior pair who live to serve me, and who occasionally forget my name substituting it now and then with 'Esme Elizabeth', 'could you just stop (insert action undertaken by me), and 'oh, for f*%#'s sake'. I am learning that they are easily offended by things that are a result of nature. I mean, if I want to have a poop on a rug, it's their job to clean it up not to step in it. I fail to see how that is my fault. Maybe they should get a rug that doesn't camouflage excrement. Idiots.

 That said, they are well meaning, lovely people who believe they 'own' me, which is exactly what I want them to believe, as it ensures they cater to my every whim. Although, every now and then they have the temerity to request I 'do' things.

 Initially, I refused to do their bidding as, quite frankly, it's a little insulting when one's servants try to turn the tables upon one. This refusal was a brilliant tactical move on my part, as it resulted in them offering me tasty little bribes to carry out their bizarre requests.

 I believe in my last letter I covered their desire to have me sit when asked. My repertoire has now expanded to include the actions 'wait' and 'shake hands'. I am holding back on performing 'down' for a little while longer - maybe until they start offering something tastier than the usual bribe.

 Can I just say that I do find it more than a little odd that I must enter into an informal agreement, for I know not what, each time I am asked to shake hands. I get a little treat afterwards, which is great, but I can't help but wonder if I am an unwitting partner in some nefarious business deal. No matter, should the law come calling, I am perfectly capable of organising my own passport and international flights to ports unknown, leaving these two bumbling fools to face the music on their own, and luring some other witless folks into looking after all my needs. 

 The lady servant appears to be less affected by my winsome looks when one of my pranks goes (in their minds) 'too far'. Whereas I am able to play the gent servant like a violin. One glance from my big brown eyes, a head on the lap and he goes to putty, conveniently forgetting that I just deliberately nipped him whilst playing (albeit with a cheeky grin).  Such is my power over him, he walks me several times a day, gets up at any hour between bedtime and dawn so I can attend to my bathroom needs, and is happy for me to climb all over him. The lady prefers I stay on her lap, rather than marching up and down her body when she's lying on the couch.

 Enough about them, I am happy with them and am prepared to continue our current arrangements. 

 Uncles, it is with much excitement that I reveal to you my discovery of, and supreme ability in, the art of parkour! I am a veritable cyclone once I get started, and am sure you will both appreciate the skill involved in running at speed then ricocheting off, or jumping over, any obstacle in my path. Before I honed my skills to the exceptional standard they are today, I had an unfortunate incident where I parkoured into what I thought was a raised garden bed, but turned out to be an ornamental fish pond (which I believe you saw when you graciously transported me here). Have I mentioned how cold it is here? 

 Luckily, my lady servant was with me at the time and scooped me out before I could even blink. I was rushed into the warm house, dried with the fluffiest of towels, wrapped in a blanket and held to her chest where I promptly dozed off. I have made suitable representations to both servants about home owners health and safety responsibilities.

 I have also fallen in love! First it was with Lenny, a big, handsome boy of my age, with the fluffiest of hair - I overheard Lenny's servant tell my gent servant that Lenny is a Golden Retriever.  Even though we have only met once while out walking, I though that 4 month old, 20kg Lenny  and I were soul mates ..... until I met Clancy.

 Clancy is a ruggedly handsome, auburn haired, boy, some 7 years my senior. His background is a little sketchy, I heard our servants say that Clancy is a castrati Kelpie and was 'rescued'! Can you imagine? I can only think that poor Clancy may have the sole survivor of a shipwreck. Anyway, as with Lenny, we have met only once and I am looking forward to falling in love with someone else soon.

 I thought I'd fallen in love with Graeme the cat, and thought he was reciprocating my feelings as we have had some nose-to-nose encounters. That has since soured when I accidentally parkoured onto him while he was sleeping on his couch in the rumpus room. He delivered a series of slaps to my person, which was a salutory lesson to me that I should not trust my heart when it comes to cats. The other cat, Douglas, is as elusive as Big Foot and I am still waiting to see if he can blink.

 I have also been taken to a Shaman, who conducted a weird ritual of trying to distract me with liver treats before needling me with my vaccination. Her methods were unpractised, and boring, but I did so enjoy playing the innocent whilst she stuffed me with treats! 

 I am getting alot better with being transported, as I know that wherever we go I have a great time, and then get to doze off on the way home. I am looking forward to finding out what a beach is, as my servants have been talking about taking me to see one in a few months. Hopefully, I will have outgrown the rather hideous tartan jacket my servants bought for me to wear during my cold morning walks.

 Fashionista's they are not, or they hold my Germanic heritage in contempt. Not that I am particularly hankering to wear a pair of lederhosen or a dirndl kleid, but a tailored and lined Melton wool coat in a classy navy or bottle green, with my initials discreetly embroidered upon it would have been more acceptable, not to mention being less of a public humiliation. 

 Anyway, I have now rambled on for far too long, and feel the need to stretch my legs. Perhaps I will conduct a short parkour course around the house. Please give my love to all my fellow Swashbucklers, and my hopes that their endeavours in training their own servants are coming along as well as my own.

 Love and kisses to you both